momo.dzl (TM) - Beyond The Player's Lifestyle!

The Player's Dictionary

momo.dzl (TM)

| | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |

CLICK HERE TO GO TO THE PLAYER'S LIFESTYLE! "CONTENTS" PAGE

Beyond The Player's Lifestyle...

"The Revelation Of momo.dzl"

To those who wish to know my story and how I came to be involved with Prince Belvedere, his peoples, and "The Player's Lifestyle", I hereby present my accounts and recollections as much as I can remember.

------

Here is my Testimony.

I'm gonna keep it real.

Before I surfed the Net and discovered this site in 2004, I was a lame. Although I already knew what game was, my game was weak.

I had gotten played for a nice chunk of change (over a thousand bucks) by an Ex that I really cared about a few years before. And before she played me, another chick (who I found out was married and had a husband in prison) had played me. That experience cost me a "G" also. Neither experience broke my heart, but they broke my spirit. They made me wary of women. I couldn't trust them.

Soon after, I pretty much lost my desire for a relationship. My ability to approach women in pursuit of companionship or a relationship quickly went downhill. My personality had changed. I never knew what to say. I couldn't hold a conversation. I couldn't think of anything interesting to talk about. I was boring and lonely because I was pretty much considered a lame "nice guy".

Through all of this, I was struggling with depression. At some point in my life (even before I met the two "pimpettes"), I had changed and didn't know how or why. I only knew that I felt like I wasn't "Me". My emotions where "up and down", I worried a lot, and I couldn't stay focused. I was also very impulsive. Maybe that had an affect on my relationships as well - I don't know.

I was a doormat and an "approval-seeker". I would "loan" out money or give it away even if it hurt me and meant I would be in need. Some people would say that it meant I had a "good heart", but I would be angry at myself - and at the beggars - about it later. I blamed myself because I couldn't say "no", and I blamed them because I was sick of hearing sob stories and having people in my face begging all the time. It was aggravating.

But, I was always taught to share and help those in need. But, at the same time, this philosophy was fucking me up. But it was "IN" me (like I was brainwashed), so I always "gave" if I had it. And because of it, I always seemed to be struggling to get ahead.

For some reason, no matter what I did or how hard I tried, I just seemed to be stuck in rut or cursed with "bad luck". Good Karma never seemed to be on my side.

And certain people in my family were among the worst beggars I knew - crackheads and bums who never had plans to pay me back. If and when they did, it was always a little at a time. But the money never seemed to add up. They knew I was a pushover and always tried to "run" game on me. Eventually, I'd say, "Don't worry about it." It was just a nuisance and a headache to try and keep track of how much was paid back and how much was due. So often, I got played. Usually, I had a decent paying job anyway so I let it go.

I didn't have a lot of bills at the time, but the ones I had always seemed to pile up because I was always broke from "loaning" and wasting money. I was living paycheck to paycheck. I could never figure out where it all went, and this made me miserable.

And when people weren't begging for money, they were begging for rides across town, to the store, or wanted some other kind of favor. All the time - back-to-back, it was just begging and begging and begging, and silly-ass hoodrats trying to "run" game.

I was so frustrated and sick of it, I began to drink a lot. I wasn't into hard liquor at the time. Beer was pretty much what I endulged in and kept hidden in my closet. The hard stuff (Vodka, Gin, and Brandy) came a little later. So did a lot of drunkeness and sleep. Depression makes you want to sleep a lot anyway.

I don't know. I just didn't feel like doing anything or going anywhere. When I wasn't working, I sat home and watched old classic movies over and over again. Why I was hooked on them, I don't know. But, they made me happy and besides, I was too broke to do anything else. Sometimes, I couldn't even afford to get drunk.

In 2001, a little after "911", I lost my job and had to pawn all of my valuables to pay my rent and other expenses. I was so depressed that I didn't even attempt to look for a job for awhile. I spent time online chatting and trying to forget my situation.

The bills piled up again and eventually, I had to move in with a relative.

During this time, I met a girl on the Net that I actually I cared about. I've heard a lot of people say that you can't trust people on the Net but this girl seemed to understand me and care about me and my situation. We got along well and talked online for hours at a time. I was really digging this chick but, because I was broke, I had no way to really get to know her. Plus, I felt like a bum and didn't want to ruin her life or pass on my bad luck to her. I felt like she could do better.

I tried to resist, but she constantly called and emailed me anyway. It was no doubt that she was "feeling" me because she wouldn't let go. I couldn't even go online and chat because she was there waiting for me everyday.

Again, I told her my situation but she still wanted to meet me. I wanted to meet her too, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

I felt bad for all of sweet words and love-talk we had spoken in our emails and online because I knew she would now feel as though I had led her on, but what could I do? I meant what I said, but things were moving too fast and my money was moving too slow. So, I HAD to end it because I didn't know how long it would take me to turn my life around and I didn't want to string her along. But, no matter how hard I tried, she would not let go.

I felt pressured. And the strange thing is: Although she was a million miles away, she KNEW something was wrong with me. She could FEEL it. I guess it was her "Woman's Intuition" or "Feminine Instinct" or a vibe or something. I couldn't hide it, because she somehow already knew. So, I had to come clean and admit to her I felt pressured. It was a hard thing to do and I was disgusted with myself.

Eventually, I had no choice but to stop going online and basically "disappear".

Then, she wrote me a couple of letters that went to my old address. There was no anger or malice in them - only pain and disappointment. They were heartbreaking and tore me up inside.

They caused me a lot of pain because I knew I had hurt her, and I wanted to reach out to her. I wanted to let her know everything would be okay. But, deep down inside, I wasn't sure.

I went back online under an anonymous Yahoo ID. I never saw her online but she created a Yahoo Profile. It was good to see her picture and pretty face again. Her lips. Her eyes. Her hair. Her smile.

But her Profile was sad as she talked about moving away, starting her "new life", and God and all. Yep, I could tell she was heartbroken and disappointed. I knew I had hurt her - and I hated myself for it. I felt like a jerk and was depressed even more.

I was hopeless. All I could think of was: "I wished I could've done better with my life." Talk about lame: The situation brought tears to my eyes and I felt sorry for myself. I had thoughts of suicide in the past, but this damn near put me over the edge. I believed in God and read my Bible sometimes, but I didn't take any of that into consideration at the time. I was sick of Life, the world, and everything in it.

Why wouldn't she just let go? She didn't have to create that profile. And why did she have to write me those damn letters? She should've just moved on.

I was at my lowest point. I've never wanted to hurt anybody (especially Her) - physically or emotionally - and I sat alone while my relatives were at work wondering how I should do this "thing".

But, I had a few problems:

I was allergic to extreme pain.

I didn't want to leave a "mess".

I didn't want to upset my relatives by doing this "thing" in their home.

And with my bad luck, what if what I tried to do didn't work? (My poor dumbass was so lame: I didn't want to offend anybody or embarrass myself even after I was "gone".)

That was another one of my problems: I always second-guessed myself and over-analyzed everything way too much. I couldn't do anything without thinking in great detail about it. I always worried about failing, falling short, or not being good enough. I think my parents had a lot to do with that - especially my Mom because, she often criticized me, my work, or made facial expressions that made me feel stupid. I still love her though - I guess. Maybe I'm still hurt just a little. I don't know what I feel.

(thinking....)

Anyway, while I sat in misery and thought about how to do this "thing", I remembered or saw an old classic movie called "It's A Wonderful Life". I've seen that movie a few times, so I can't remember if I actually saw it that day or if it popped into my head while I was planning this "thing" out. Either way, I can't remember anything else after that about that day so, I'll fast forward a bit. All I know is I'm still here.

Somehow, I got the idea that if I worked hard and saved enough money then I could feel confident and good about meeting this "girl of my dreams", so went out and began putting in applications.

Months went by and nobody called me.

I updated my resume and sent it out online to various sites and still no one called me.

A few more months went by and still no one called.

Then something weird happened. Actually, I shouldn't say weird because it WAS a blessing.

And, this is a true story.

One of my cousins introduced me to his girlfriend, and I mentioned to her that I was out of work and had been looking for months for a job, and she offered to say a prayer for me.

Now, I read my Bible sometimes (because I was brought-up in the church), but I was always skeptical about people "laying" hands on me. I don't like people touching me and praying over me at the same time. They may have good intentions, but I just don't like it. It just makes me feel uneasy for some reason. When I pray, I like to do it alone and in private with just me and God. People may say some good things out loud but you never know what they're really thinking in their mind when they're holding your hand. I know it's bad to think like that but I can't help it. Lord, if I'm wrong, please forgive me...

But anyway, I bowed my head and she held my hand and started saying her prayers, and I'll be damned if I didn't get a call from FedEx and Arch Wireless the next day! TWO JOBS! I don't believe in swearing on the Bible, but I'll swear on a stack of Bibles that's what happened! And, I have witnesses AND my original check stubs to prove it! I didn't know which one to take, so I took both!

I felt good and decided to email "my girl" to tell her the good news. I couldn't call her because I was still broke and my cellphone was disconnected.

She was happy as hell about it and said, "Thank God!"

She started making plans to see me, but I wanted to save some cash first and get my own place. But... as the cash rolled in, my buddies and relatives begged me to hang out. My dumbass. I was so lame - And stupid. I started hanging out and spending my money as fast as I could get it.

I went out partying with the fellas every weekend. We traveled up and down the East Coast to D.C., Miami, Atlanta, Richmond, Norfolk, and a few other cities just to go out clubbing and partying. I couldn't say "no". I wanted to have a good time. I wanted to party and parlay. I went shopping almost every weekend.

I started smoking weed. I was buying liquor left and right.

My cousin claimed he wanted to be a rapper, so I bought a keyboard, music software, blank CDs, microphones, and voice recorders. We made plans to blow-up and make millions! I was gonna flip my paycheck and scoop-up my girl in style...

Lord, I don't know what the hell I was thinking. It's 2009 and he still ain't made a CD yet. We don't even have a "single".

We were chillin' and smoking our lives away.

As Belvedere would say, I was living "high on the hog" and ballin' out of control.

Deep down, I didn't want to live that life. I didn't want to be there. Even though they were my people, I didn't want to roll with them like that. I knew what I was doing was wrong and ruining me, but I didn't want to refuse or "upset" my homeboys. I was still an "approval-seeker". I didn't want to be a party-pooper or make waves within our clique, so I continued to go wherever they suggested or said we were going.

I admit I was lame and it was completely my fault. I should've manned-up and said "no", but I didn't want to be jerk. Plus, I got sick and tired of hearing "C'mon, man, stop acting like a busta!" or a "chump", or a "punk", or "Damn, man. You're a party-pooper. You makin' me lose my crunkness."

That's one of the worst things a person can't tell you because it basically means you're boring and that they'd rather not have you around fucking up the Vibe. So, I fell into the trap of peer pressure.

Eventually, the weed and blunts caught up with me. I forgot all about my girl. I didn't want to go to work and just stopped showing up. I went broke again. And although I was depressed throughout the entire "ride", I was even more depressed and going nuts since I couldn't afford to buy anymore weed. Plus, I had started smoking cigarettes and they were coming few and far in between since I had no cash and most of people I knew didn't smoke. And those that did avoided me. Now, the shoe was on the other foot and I WAS THE ONE BEGGING.

The worst part of it was, all of those family and friends who were once cool with me and wanted me to hang-out were now talking about me behind my back. I was pissed-off and full of disgust for them at the time, but really, I had no one to blame but myself for being so stupid.

I was going in circles and damn near going insane.

Luckily, those assholes cut off my weed supply and I was able to get my mind right.

Again, I had a hard time finding work. The only job I could get at the time was in a junk-yard/recycling plant this crackhead told me about. That was sometime in 2003, I think. It was a filthy job but I didn't mind the work. Even the smell of unloading those stinking-ass aluminum cans didn't really bother me. Nor the cold.

Deep down, I AM a hustler and a hard worker. And when it's crunch-time, I'm always guaranteed to put my game down. But I was also a lame who made a lot of bad decisions. And believe it or not, I was satisfied with this job for awhile. I enjoyed it. I liked the people and I liked working with heavy metal (iron and steel) so, it was cool.

But, I knew it wasn't something I could do for more than six months or so. The pay just wasn't anywhere near my ball-park range. (It was about seven or eight dollars an hour). But, after about eight months, I started back smoking weed again.

I was moving backwards instead of forward.

Whenever I went out, I went clubbing on a beggars budget. I knew I had "loser" written all over my face. And, I felt like a loser with nothing but chump-change in my pockets. It's hard to feel good about yourself when you're only able to buy a couple of beers to sip on and most of the other guys around you are ballin' at the bar and guzzling shots and mixed drinks like they're going out of style. I felt like a jerk just for being in there. I needed some money. I needed a new wardrobe. I needed some swagger. But I went "out" because those assholes wanted me to go. Even if I didn't have the money, they wanted me to go. They would pay my way sometimes. And my dumbass went out to have my ego "slaughtered" as usual.

But then, one night, after getting rejected about fifty times in the club by the girls in there, I had done had enough. I said, "The hell with this bullshit. I need a Master-Plan."

And right then and there, my goal was to make some money and get the hell out of town.

When I got back to the crib, I went online and looked for a new job and for some kind of way to make some big money. I had to get myself right and get my girl back. I had screwed up again big time.

I searched the Web and got hooked on some opportunities that promised I could make some boo-koo bucks selling voicemail, and I spent the rest of night researching information on that industry.

Whenever I got tired of researching, I'd take a break and go to the chat rooms for awhile. This is where I met "Prince Belvedere" who was actually promoting "The Playas' Lifestyle" website and "cash flow" notes or something like that.

As I stated before, I knew what game was, because of the culture I was brought-up in. Using game to "get over", "pimp", and manipulate others was a constant thing you had to be wary of in my community. People were always out to con you, scam you, or trick you into buying fake clothes, or jewelry, or whatever. "Wannabe players" were using game to sweet-talk women into having sex. Women were using game to "milk" men out of their money - just as my two Exes had milked me and played me out of my money.

There were also times when I got suckered into buying fake-ass watches and fake gold chains. I bought a gold necklace and ring off the street once and they started turning green before I could even get them home. That experience cost me a hundred and twenty bucks.

Con artists play on your greed or your desire to get a "once in a lifetime" deal. People use game to get you to loan them money with no intention of paying you back...

It's like trying to tap-dance through a mine-field.

A lot of people used game to manipulate and to make a "quick come-up". It was a constant battle and one of the reasons why most of us in the "hood" couldn't really get ahead in life. Everybody was always trying to take advantage of everybody.

It was a rule of thumb not to trust anybody, and I broke that rule often. And I got played often. I learned about game the hard way - through actual experience. It was humiliating - especially when your family and friends were laughing at you because you got suckered into buying fake jewelry or bootleg CDs or DVDs that were actually blank.

So, I was skeptical to visit his site, but, you know me, I decided to take a chance to see what was up. And I'm glad I did. I couldn't afford to buy his "cash flow notes" but I was very much interested in his website and learning how to improve my game. Plus, his site had religious overtones. And since I believe in God, I figured he couldn't be all bad.

I saved him as a "friend" and hit him up on Yahoo Messenger a few more times after that. But a few things puzzled me. He didn't have anything on his profile about his business, his real name, or how to get in touch with him. He called himself a "Prince" but he had some bullshit-ass name for a "handle". The Playas' Lifestyle site was copyrighted under the name of one of his "associates". And when I asked him more about how to improve my game, he messaged me a link that sent me to a website about "pimps". It all seemed suspicious as hell.

Now, I must admit, I was intrigued by the "pimp" website, but I thought it was a joke or a hoax or something.

I played along because I wanted to see exactly what kind of game he was running. I was testing him to see if he was going to try to "pimp" me in some kind of way, but he never did.

He claimed he hated to see people struggle and that he wanted to send a positive message to people who wanted to improve their lifestyle.

I still thought he was up to something but I listened to what he had to say.

Then, I told him about my recent experiences and he gave me the links to a news group site on how to pick-up chicks and he recommended several books which he thought I should read to improve my finances and life. I was broke and could never stay focused long enough to read a book anyway, so I didn't get the books or continue to read the pick-up tips on the seduction website. I didn't care about picking up chicks. I needed some damn money. Besides, I already had a girl who was waiting for me - if I could get my finances right.

I didn't see him online for awhile, but my instincts kept telling me he was there. He may have been in "invisible mode".

I kept checking out The Playas' Lifestyle website and over time got hooked on it. But I saw very little updates.

This frustrated me because I wanted to talk to him personally and ask him some more questions about improving my game and my finances. I was still working at the junk-yard at the time, but I was starting to hate it. The guys in there were fun to work with but lazy as hell. Don't get me wrong, I didn't do all of the work, but there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't find myself sweating a little more than the rest.

Overall, they were good people. No, I take that back. Overall, they were good friends. Sometimes, I miss them.

To ease my pains, I smoked more weed. I even started going to work high. I'm sure my supervisor knew I was high (he used to do drugs before he got "saved") but I think he turned a blind eye because I was a hard worker. In all honesty, he felt like an older brother to me. I liked him because he was cool as hell, wise, and had good game. His personality is somewhat like Judge Mathis, but he had "street knowledge" and "religious knowledge". And nobody fucked with him because he couldn't be played... At least by nobody in there.

He gave me a lot of good advice and encouragement. And if I knew then what I know now, I would have taken my real troubles to him. He already knew something was wrong with me but, I was too embarrassed to tell him all that I was going through for fear of gossip and people talking behind my back. I don't know. Maybe I was going crazy or the weed was making me paranoid - I don't know...

(thinking....)

Sometime later in 2004, I went online to look at my girl's picture and to read and reminisce over some of her old emails as I used to do from time to time. I saw that The Prince was online so I hit him up on Yahoo Messenger and told him off gate that I was just giving him a shout-out. I didn't want him to think I was a stalker. And, I didn't want to bug him while he was trying to enjoy his chill time and chat time. But, he was cool.

He asked me how everything was going and if I had read the books he recommended. I let him know that everything was okay but that I was still broke and basically chillin'. Immediately he wanted to know what I meant by "chillin'". I was honest with him. I told him I "smoked". Hell, who didn't go home, chill, and fire up a blunt or drink a beer after a hard day of work?

He text me back saying: "The FIRST thing you gotta do is put them blunts down and get your hustle on... Smoking weed all the time makes you lazy... That's why most people can't get ahead."

Hell, I knew that. But, it helps you to calm down and relax too.

"Then find you a good job and just stack and stack and stack."

I knew that too, but I let him go on texting.

So, then, he asked me if I had a woman. I didn't go into details about my girl online, but I told him I dealt with a few of my Exes from time to time (which was true).

Then he hit me with, "Don't worry about p*ssy... Just find you one good woman who wants something out of life and make sure she has a good head on her shoulders... If she's working, trying to work with you, and ain't giving you a lot of shit or coming with that drama, then she's a keeper."

I basically knew that too. I've always felt that if I had a good woman on my side that was down for me, that I could accomplish all of my goals. Moving from chick to chick and being a player or a pimp was the farthest thing from my mind. That wasn't the type of lifestyle I wanted to lead. I don't need a bunch of hoes to be happy.

Then, the following day at work, I focused on my mission. I knew I had to make a change. I didn't want to end up a bum on the streets or be like the old dudes I saw hanging out at the convenience store around the corner.

I talked to my supervisor about my plans and problems, but of course, I didn't mention that I smoked weed, and he basically told me the same things. But he added that I needed to stand up for myself. He knew the guys at work were playing me and making me do most of the work and he didn't like it. He also revealed to me that he had been trying to play me as well.

He had been doing things to try and make me angry so that I would man-up and stop taking so much crap from other people. He didn't even like customers ordering me around or talking to me in a demeaning way. "I don't care what anybody says," he told me, "The customer ain't always right, and if they don't like the service you provide, they can go someone else."

Like I said, he was like an older brother to me. He was very blunt and wanted to know why I was so "soft". I resented him calling me "soft", but I knew he was right, and I had no answer. I wasn't afraid of anyone. I didn't fear danger from anyone. Maybe I tried too hard to get along with people and look out for others, but I like people and believe there is good in everyone. And I told him this.

"That ain't got nothin' to do with it," he said with this serious look on his face. "Liking people and standing up for yourself is two different things. Everybody don't have good in them. You can't let people run all over you. Some people only want to get-over. And no matter what you say or do, you can't save everybody. I don't care how hard you try, you just can't do it. Everybody don't want to be saved and everybody ain't gonna treat you the way you treat them."

I got pissed because I thought he was wrong. I was offended because I felt like since he was a deacon in the church, he shouldn't talk like that. But after I got home and looked at The Playas' Lifestyle site again, I saw that the opening message on the Home Page basically said the same thing.

The Prince claimed he was trying to help people improve their lives, yet he was calling people "suckers", "busters", "haters", and every kind of name in the book like he really didn't give a damn about anybody who didn't give a damn about "pimpin'".

I was "heated".

I said to myself: How can a person who goes to church call himself (or herself) God-fearing when they don't believe there's good in everyone? How can you "reach" and teach others in the name of God when you have doubts about their character or think it's a waste of time to try and help them? How can you stand in the church of God and claim you love everybody, when deep down, you know it's a lie?

I'm not even a Christian and I was offended.

I wish I had never had that conversation with my "Sup" because I lost all of my admiration and respect for him after that. He had invited me to his church, but there was no way in hell I was going in there after he told me that. I knew the world was full of haters but I didn't think HE was one. The Prince, I could've cared less about because I didn't really know him. But, I still wanted to hear what he had to say from his own mouth before I told him to take his shit website and shove it.

Two or three weeks had passed before I saw him online again. At first, I wasn't going to message him. But the more I thought about what my supervisor said and what was posted on the site, the more pissed I got.

I lured him in by telling him he was right and thanks for his help. He went for the bait. I then asked him if he was in the church because of the religious overtones on his site. To my surprise, he was basically like me. He didn't go to church but he read a lot of religious books. I asked him if he was a Christian or if he had ever been "saved". And again, he said "no". Then, he asked if I was asking him those questions because of what he had RECENTLY posted on the site.

I went to the site and saw "The Code Of Honor" page updated. (You have to go to Alexa.com and look at the "Wayback Machine" to see it.)

It was like a prayer or "pledge of devotion" of some sort. It was like swearing your Devotion to "The Game". I didn't know what "Game" he was talking about at first, but then he broke it down and opened my eyes to how the whole World was based on buying, selling, persuasion, and manipulation. I was now seeing a whole new side of Life I had never seen before. I could now see "The Game" for what it really was.

After reading the page, I asked him if he believed one person could save or change the world and what he said shocked the hell out of me. It was similar to what my supervisor said to me a couple of weeks before...

"You can't change anybody that doesn't want to change... If a man wants to improve his life, he's got to be willing to do it. You can't MAKE him do it... It doesn't matter what you do for him or how good you are to him... I wouldn't kiss anybody's ass to get their respect because either they're gonna respect you or they aren't, so why worry about it? Even God Almighty doesn't get his full respect from atheists and people who don't follow the Ten Commandments. It says so in the Bible."

I thought about what he said and told him I understood, but I also believed in the quote: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

He didn't respond and a little while after that, he was offline.

Later that night, I went online again and when I opened my messenger, I got a text from him that read: "You sound like a good dude, but I don't know what you're looking for. If you believe there is some supernatural secret way to success... let me know when you figure it out."

At first, I wanted to cuss his ass out. I wasn't sure if he was trying to be a wise-ass or what, but then I considered what he and my supervisor said. Maybe I WAS too "people-conscious" (as someone once accused me of being). Maybe I WAS too nice. Maybe that's what kept me from enjoying life and moving up to the status I wanted to achieve - I don't know. But deep down, I still felt that I was right.

Anyway, about a few months after that, I joined his crusade and became an Aspiring Player (AsP). I asked him if I could write articles for his site. And, if he helped me step-up my game, then I would spend my own money on a domain and help him promote his "cash flow" notes program. He agreed and shortly thereafter, I purchased "DZLRADIO.COM". I never heard from him or saw him online again. That was in 2005.

So, I don't know whether he's dead or alive, watching and waiting, or if he has just abandoned The Playas' Lifestyle website altogether.

I've also visited Nicky Mack's website again and again, and he must've abandoned his site as well, because it hasn't been updated in years.

Maybe this is a test, I don't know. Maybe GOD is testing me.

But, I did take heed to his words and to the information that was on the site at the time. I found a better job and doubled my income in 2005. By 2007, I had over fifteen grand in a 401k.

For some reason, I still couldn't save any money in my bank account, so I never contacted "my girl" again, although I still search for her online sometimes.

In June of 2008, My Dad had a massive heart attack. I really hadn't been in touch with him or visited over the years. I'd see him off and on or when he visited me. But after he had his heart attack, I quit my job to be by his side. He almost pulled through, but died while he was in therapy. I don't know what the fuck happened and I'm still pissed about it. And to keep it real, a lot of those people don't realize how close to the "dark side of revenge" that they came... My mind was gone.

First, they gave him hours to live. Then they gave him a few days to live. Then a week or so passed and you could tell "these people" didn't know what the fuck they were doing or talking about, because how in the hell can you tell if someone is on the verge of living - or dying - if you've taken away their feeding tubes and have them jacked-up on MORPHINE?? Fuckin' Dumbasses.

(Let me calm down...)

If it wasn't for a few of his good friends who came to see him and who pointed out some obvious signs of life to me, I probably wouldn't have acted.

(that fuckin' WEED, man...)

But I had them turn down the dosage of morphine that was slowly killing him. My step-Mom was cool with it and she was hopeful, although the doctors said it was no use. (We had a couple of good doctors and two jackasses in training.) It really wasn't the morphine that was killing him, because he was holding on even though they took away his feeding tubes. I can't explain it, but when someone is in that condition, you just have to pay attention, look for signs of life, and use commonsense. Many of these doctors and nurses don't have it. But thank the Lord, there are exceptions in the Health Care System. There ARE some "Crown Jewels" in there - and he had a few - especially the nurses and nurse assistants.

More than that, he was BLESSED with some GOOD FRIENDS.

Two months later, he was in therapy to get the strength back in his legs so that he could walk again. I thought he was okay, but I was wrong. (All I can do is put it in God's hands...) I guess it wasn't meant to be, and he died.

That has been the worst experience of my life. It's the first time someone so close to me has died before.

He didn't have insurance so I had to pay for his funeral with some of the money from my 401k. The rest went to bills and rent.

But that doesn't matter. I'd give up everything I have if I could have him back.

In my mind everyday, I curse the doctors and therapy, but really, I have myself to blame. I should've been there for him, but I wasn't. I left everything in the hands of my step-Mom to handle on her own. And she was by his side everyday until the day he died - struggling to go to work, live her life, and take care of him, all at the same time and all on her own. That's what kind of woman I want on my side - someone who's truly down for me.

Lord, I ain't worth a damn...

Since then, my life has still been pretty much up and down. I guess I can't win for losing. Maybe I AM cursed with bad luck. Or, maybe I'm still just lame as hell - I don't know.

I guess I got played again. This time - maybe the entire time, I've probably been getting played by myself.

I'm down right now, but I haven't given up. As long as I keep my mind right and find ways to improve my game, one way or the other, I'm gonna make it.

-----

If you have read my story, I only want you to realize this one thing:

"Ultimately, your Destiny and Life is in YOUR hands."

STAND-UP FOR YOURSELF!

Don't allow other people who may not give a damn about you to dictate or shape your Life. In the long run, it will make you miserable.

Trying to please Everybody is not the key to Happiness.

Stack your cash and keep your mind and body focused on your Goals.

Overall... Don't play yourself.

Do the Best that you can... and God will take care of the rest.

KEEP YOUR GAME TIGHT AND KEEP IT PIMPIN'.

Back To The Player Lifestyle "Contents Page"

The Player Lifestyle